‘You can love your parents from a distance’

A clip from Bharti Singhrsquos podcast with Rakhi Sawant shows Sawant expressing the financial and caregiving burden she has been carrying Sawant even says ldquoagle janam mein maabaap naa denahellip donrsquot give me parents in my next birthrdquoThis exhaustion is not new If you go down the social media rabbit hole you will come across several millennials sharing stories of nocontact with their parents It can look like moving out speaking every few days instead of every day withholding personal information keeping visits brief or refusing to carry a parentrsquos emotional burdensWhat may be new is their willingness to name it and discuss it openlylsquoI was the golden child now I am the villainrsquoRahat T Sheikh 40 still visits her parents once a week If they need her to run an errand pay a bill or help them physically she does itThere is however one thing they do not know where she livesSheikh is married and has children and some months ago decided to go lowcontact with her parents ldquoI heard that my mother had been telling my children something along the lines of lsquoyour parents dump you on us and they neglect you Sheikh began seeing it herself What unsettled her most was recognising patterns she had experienced growing up being repeated with her own childrenldquoWhen yoursquore a parent you will do anything to protect your kidsrdquo she says So Sheikh decided to trim down their access to her and her children and decided not to let her parents know her home address Sheikh says she spent months reading up on her motherrsquos behavioural patterns ldquoI feel like I am at peacerdquo How did the rest of the family react ldquoMy motherinlaw understood where I am coming fromrdquo says Sheikh ldquoNow for my motherrsquos family I amthe villainrdquolsquoI still send her a bouquet on Motherrsquos DayrsquoFor Twinkle Dalal 32 the distance from her mother has been a long time comingTwinkle DalalDalal says she began recognising the impact of that relationship much later in life when she was pursuing a career as a trauma coach ldquoI had to go through therapy and innerchild healing work before I could be a coach It made me realise what my relationship with my mother is and that maybe she is jealous of the life I have built of the opportunities and experiences I have had that she probably could notrdquo Dalal describes the exhaustion of coming home after work and not feeling that home was a refuge when she lived with her mother Their relationship eventually reached a breaking point after an argument As Dalal owned the home she lives in her mother walked outDalal now maintains considerable distance ldquoI still send her a bouquet on Motherrsquos Day that is the effort I put in She refuses to change and I have stopped expecting it I have redirected my validation from other sourcesrdquo says Dalal ldquoI feel a lot happier I donrsquot have this feeling that therersquos someone constantly looming over merdquo she sayslsquoI have found love outside my homersquoFor Anshumaa Sharma 32 the process of creating distance from her family has helped her learn that she can have a life outside her familyAnshumaa SharmaMy parents were never a major problem itrsquos my older brother But after my fatherrsquos passing and my mother supporting himhelliprdquo Sharma decided it was best to move away from homeldquoI will always pick up my motherrsquos calls If something significant happens or I have good news I do tell her But I have stopped telling her about every aspect of my liferdquoSharma realised her familyrsquos impact on her mental and physical health only after years of therapy ldquoI began therapy in 2016 and that helped me understand what was affecting me I almost got an autoimmune disease because of years of suppressionrdquo she saysYet leaving home was not a splitsecond choice ldquoI decided to get support from my family itself I still decided to speak to my mausi about it She agreed with me and the support from her was really importantrdquo Sharma says that she recognises that being a good daughter does not mean absorbing everything her mother carries ldquoI know my mother a supportive parent Itrsquos just that she has her own unresolved trauma I donrsquot want to carry thatrdquo After having left home Sharma says ldquoI feel like a happier better version of myselfI have found love outside of my homerdquoWhy are millennials the first generation to do thisNishtha Bakshi Counselling Psychologist at Fortis Hospital Mulund says millennials have greater access to psychological awarenessNishtha BakshiThis is making it more possible to question family dynamics that earlier generations may simply have endured ldquoFamily decisions have always come before individual needsrdquo Bakshi says ldquoBut today adults are placing greater value on personal mental peace and independence Parenting based heavily on hierarchy can clash with expectations of mutual respectrdquoBut is every parent toxic The internet has given millennials a vocabulary It includes words like boundaries trauma narcissism emotional abuse and moreBakshi says ldquoNot every disagreement parenting mistake or difficult relationship is evidence of abuse or a personality disorder The goal should be to use psychological language to understand relationships better rather than simply to label peoplerdquo she says