Like father, like son: Why there is an emotional distance in the relationship

Mardo ko console karna nahi aatardquo said Samay Raina in his standup special Still Alive distilling a sentiment many Indian men have grown up internalising In the same breath he jokes about how sons cannot say ldquoI love yourdquo to their fathers because somewhere along the way masculinity got entangled with emotional restraint The idea that men are inherently inexpressive even incapable of articulating affection is a stereotype India is slowly trying to outgrow But within the four walls of homes particularly around fatherson relationships the emotional distance continues to lingerA still from Mehta Boys 2025 Quite a few movies in the Bollywood industry address the emotional gap between a father and his son PICSPINTERESTPopular culture has long mirrored this space Films like Udaan portray a father whose authority eclipses affection while Chiraiya captures the awkward silences and unspoken care between men More recently The Mehta Boys attempts to bridge that gap showing men learning mdash often late in life mdash how to communicate vulnerability These narratives suggest that men mirror their role models in the house who tend to be their fathersSandeep Mrabhaker 53 learnt to break the cycle with his nineyearold son Siddharth ldquoI didnrsquot have a template to run or behave onrdquo he says reflecting on his own father ldquoOur parents especially our fathers were not very expressive In hindsight my father took a lot of pride in my achievements but he was not expressive enough when we were growing uprdquo Like many men of his generation affection was embedded in gestures sacrifices and responsibilitiesHe recalls a childhood memory that now reads as love in retrospect ldquoI was yearning for a cricket bat as a child and we were not very welloff But eventually dad did get it for me and I realised the amount of sacrifices our parents maderdquo The language of love for fathers then was provisionA still from Udaan where the fatherrsquos authority is a form of affection for his sonEven saying ldquoI love yourdquo almost felt alien ldquoI donrsquot think wersquove ever said I love you to each other until perhaps in his last momentsrdquo It was only much later after personal loss and distance that Mrabhaker began to consciously express affection ldquoI started to hug him only once mummy passed away Initially it was a little awkward I think he was quite happy to receive that kind of love from his son after all these yearsrdquoWhat changed however is how he chose to parent ldquoMy son today will come up to me and say lsquoPapa hug timersquo And he does not feel embarrassed or shy to speak his mind Thatrsquos the kind of freedom we gave him for him to feel saferdquo In that small ordinary moment lies the rupture It is proof that masculinity and the emotional lives of men may finally evolve to speakA study in India by Scientific Report found that 42 per cent of urban youth show medium to high emotional suppression Additionally NCRB data consistently shows that men account for over 70 per cent of suicides in India pointing to a gendered mental health crisis linked to stigma and underreportinglsquoDads are just grownup kidsrsquoMusician Dhruv Visvanath narrates how his fatherrsquos love was vital in shaping the man he isHaving lost his father at 16 musician Dhruv Visvanath reflects on the void not just as loss but as the absence of guidance ldquoWhat we really lack is some positive voices or guidance and for me that was my fatherrdquo he says adding that while his mother anchored him ldquothe role my father played was vital in shaping who I amrdquo Visvanathrsquos music too is heavily inspired by his father with a charismatic instrumental dedicated to him called FatherYet unlike many stories of distant fathers his memories are marked by warmth ldquoMy dad was different He used to tell me he loved me all the timerdquo he recalls That contrast sharpens his observation of men today ldquoI have noticed the way fathers are to their sons now There is a silent acknowledgementrdquo he says describing a generation still learning how to articulate affection ldquoDads are sometimes just grownup kids who have gotten toys they donrsquot know how to play withrdquoAt the heart of it he believes is emotional conditioning ldquoMen create such high walls they forget to leave the gates openrdquo he says The instinct he admits is often to fix rather than feel ldquoMy brain has always been like lsquohow can I fix thisrsquo But the important thing to learn is not about fixing but to listen It all starts with listeningrdquoHow can men be better fathersldquoWhen someone does come to therapy for this very often itrsquos the personrsquos partner or family member who recognises this emotional unavailabilityrdquo counselling psychologist Paras Sharma explains The work then goes into helping the man become more aware of his emotions not go into default scripts of being stoic and quietldquoSo it is a mix of individual work and couples work that we do where the focus is to try and help them identify how they have grown up or how they have continued to hold these very traditional scripts that patriarchy and society have instilled in themrdquo There are alternative ways of being and thatrsquos how men can be better fathers to their children By seeking helplsquoMy father was traditional didnrsquot express emotionsrsquoNikhil Taneja with a yearold daughter talks about how society forces men to repress their grief and joysCalling himself a proud girl dad Nikhil Tanejarsquos fatherndashson dynamic was shaped as much by presence as by absence of emotional vocabulary ldquoMy father was a very traditional Indian man He had a lot of love for us But he did not know how to expressrdquo Instead affection took the form of shared activities ldquoFor him to do something together is the way to be together mdash dinner movies or watching a matchrdquo Itrsquos a pattern he sees replicated widely ldquoMale friendships are defined by finding an excuse to be togetherrdquoldquoWhat I did not get with my father I tried to do with my brotherrdquo he says describing the pressure of becoming ldquothe man of the houserdquo as an elder son ldquoI went into clinical anxiety when I turned 30 then I went to therapy for many yearsrdquo he says linking emotional suppression to wider patterns where ldquomen end up with substance abuse or becoming violent because they never learnt healthy ways to express themselvesrdquoEven grief and joy is policed for a man ldquoI cried when my daughter was born and I had people tell me not to cry because I was a manrdquo And at his fatherrsquos funeral ldquoI was inconsolable People were saying lsquoYou are the eldest son How can you cryrsquo What society failed to notice was ldquoI was not crying to be weak It is love for my father which is my strengthrdquo For him men donrsquot know how to console because theyrsquove never been consoled Today that awareness shapes how he shows up as a parent ldquoI want to be as present as I can to create safe spaces for my daughterrdquolsquoIn order to be free I need to free them firstrsquoZara Khan a housewife and a digital artist says how the men in her family suffer from not being able to show the affection they hold for their loved onesFor Zara Khan the conversation around male emotional suppression is shaped by the men in her life She is a housewife and a digital artist on Instagram Her viral artwork on the idea of the ldquoRaja Betardquo stems from her realisation of what feminism is ldquoIn order to be free I need to free them firstrdquo Questioning traditional roles she notes how men are often pushed into becoming providers at the cost of themselves ldquoNot every man wants to earn either Some people are forced to earnrdquo she saysA still of artwork by Zara Khan on the patriarchyrsquos impact on men PICINSTAGRAMzarx_art__That pressure is something she has witnessed closely in her husband ldquoHe used to have dreams and earned trophies for playing badminton He gave up all of it because of the pressurerdquo Today she says ldquohe is growing emotionally bitter and I canrsquot even talk to him about itrdquo Attempts at conversation are met with defensiveness ldquoThere is no openness to even process such thoughts for himrdquo she adds which led her to create the artwork instead ldquoto hold a mirror to himrdquoThe emotional distance extends across generations ldquoMy father also jokes with me but never with my brother They donrsquot even hugrdquo she says ldquoDuring Eid my brother tears up and runs to the washroom after the embrace while my dad idly sits in front of a TVrdquo In that brief encounter lies the enduring gap between fathers and sonslsquoFathers were not taught to show loversquoVedant Baliyan explains how he jumped into the trend of telling his father lsquoI love yoursquo after Samay Rainarsquos standup special went viralSaying ldquoI love yourdquo to his father felt like crossing an invisible line for Vedant Baliyan Inspired by Samay Rainarsquos challenge to say the three holy words to onersquos fathers Baliyan took the leap only to be met with surprise ldquoIt does feel weird to say I love you to your papa Utni himmat nahi hoti hairdquo he admits In his video his father paused then reciprocated ldquoalmost in reliefrdquoldquoAt home love is shown differentlyrdquo Baliyan says ldquoIf I tell my mom she says it back My dad says lsquoOkay sure what do you wantrsquordquo He understands that ldquoexpressing love verbally is always a hard task for fathers since they were never taught thisrdquolsquoFathers tend to be deaf to their sons growing uprsquoActor and comedian Boman Irani speaks about his movie The Mehta Boys a tale about a dysfunctional relationship between a father and sonContrary to popular belief Boman Iranirsquos The Mehta Boys mdash which he cowrote codirected and acted in mdash does not come from a personal experience ldquoI never grew up with a father My sons and I have a fantastic relationship Itrsquos mostly casual and lovingrdquo However his work and research on the film comes from the sections in society that exist in silences between fathers and sons ldquowho are unable to express what is irking them how they actually feelrdquoBoman Irani File picIrani explains that The Mehta Boys is about misunderstandings taking conversations in different directions ldquoIt is not just about a fatherson relationship but all throughout the world You knock on 10 different doors yoursquoll hear 10 different stories about thisrdquo Irani saysIn the film Iranirsquos character Shiv Mehta is not a stereotypical patriarchal father He is quite expressive about falling in love with his late wife ldquoI wanted to break that stereotype Indian men donrsquot like to talk about their romancerdquo Lastly Irani breaks down that ldquoWhen sons get older a father sometimes tends to be deaf to that change in the growing man And we have to understand that we must change our tonality towards our kids that they arenrsquot children anymorerdquoRanbir aur Rishi ki kahaniActor Ranbir Kapoor with mom Neetu Singh and dad Rishi Kapoor PICNIMESH DAVEEven in celebrity culture this emotional imbalance finds resonance Ranbir Kapoor has often spoken about his relationship with Rishi Kapoor with striking honesty The actor revealed that he was never very close to his father while growing up even though they shared love He admitted that this emotional distance still affects him today It was only later that things shifted ldquoIn the last few years we became friendsrdquoWhat about the girlsPICISTOCKThe paper lsquoThe Role of Father Neglect and Abuse in Romantic Relationshipsrsquo 2023 notes that women who experience emotional neglect from fathers are more likely to gravitate toward emotionally unavailable or distant partners Across these studies common relationship patterns emerge overcompensating in relationships peoplepleasing difficulty trusting consistent affection and sometimes remaining in unfulfilling partnerships Protective factors such as supportive relationships selfawareness and therapy can significantly reshape attachment styles and partner choices over time But thatrsquos a whole different story Watch this spacelsquoMen donrsquot have healthy role modelsrsquoCounselling psychologist Paras Sharma explains how men often choose to be emotionally absent with their familiesFrom his doctoral thesis Shaping Masculinity counselling psychologist and director of Alternative Therapy Paras Sharma traces how emotionally absent fathers create a template that sons often replicate ldquoPeople who grew up with unemotional fathers further the idea of stoicism where you arenrsquot supposed to convey any feelingrdquo he explains Without witnessing intimacy between parents or emotional engagement at home ldquoyou donrsquot see a role model of how a man acts as an adultrdquoSharma rejects the idea that all men are forced to be distant because of societal stigma ldquoThere are a lot of situations where they are allowed to be absent They choose that life activelyrdquo He also points to how culture reinforces this ldquoStandup comics romanticise the idea of your father being serious and absentrdquo he notes arguing that such portrayals ldquoabsolve the father from all the responsibilitiesrdquoAt its core the issue lies in how masculinity is taught Boys are raised to prioritise achievement over emotional development ldquoYou ask young boys to only think about studies Then you suddenly ask them to get married when they havenrsquot developed any relationship skillsrdquo The result he suggests is a cycle where socially sanctioned roles become the easiest mantle to inhabitResearch in Journal of Family Psychology by John Bowlby shows men raised by emotionally absent fathers often develop avoidant attachment leading to low intimacy emotional withdrawal and difficulty expressing vulnerability Studies by Philip Shaver find they disengage during conflict leaving partners feeling unsupported Ross Parkersquos work shows that such men replicate emotional distance with their children prioritising being a provider over affection